Failures! Plus: How to Massage a Kale...watch the fingernails

So I decided to say "Fu*k it!" to this:

 and write a post.  I've been wanting to write. It will probably be more than 1 post. I have a few things to share.

Well I just had a really annoying conversation with Pants. He would agree that it was annoying. I doubt he'd care that I said it publicly. But really, who cares if he would? Haha! The conversation felt like a failure. We have had many successes lately, including fun conversations about terrible names on the playground, joining together to be proud of Punky, generally encouraging and being supportive of each other. Today was a far-cry from that. I feel resentful and he feels oppressed. Neither of us really have much to complain about.

That conversation was a failure. So, here are some failures of my kitchen variety.

I made two things that were not great. Being vegan, people think you eat salad and vegetables all the time. That is mostly what I ate tonight. I'm hooked on kale salad. Whenever I get "into" something  like that, I try to make lots of variations. I've got a variety of kale salads and the one I made tonight was pretty lame. It had so much potential. The really funny thing is what happened while I was diligently making my trite kale salad. Yes, massaged kale salad is kind of trite for vegans. Those Eat More Kale shirts are soooooooooo last year. Meanwhile, I still don't have one and I want one.

Here's what happened while I made the kale salad (it is so embarrassing):

Rookie mistake. Totally a rookie mistake. Overcooked. Mushy. Fett will be here from teaching in a little while and I'm embarrassed to feed him this broccoli. No one should ever EVER steam a vegetable and then leave the god damned lid on after taking it off the heat. SHAME. The hilarious part is that I was feeling very foodie and superior as I made my Asian-themed kale salad, which had me so engrossed that I steamed up some farty broccoli.

Here's the salad [i'm showing the picture now, not in the middle of the recipe. you're welcome]:

Look, I'm going to give you the "recipe" for this kale salad but it wasn't that great. It was greasy. It didn't have enough crunch and I missed a bite-y-ness that my kale salads tend to have. I'm learning more and more that I really like sour things. I'm not a huge sweets fan.

That being said, those gluten-free vegan cinnamon buns were pretty good. They got hard as rocks since then. Coincidentally, so did my intestines. I was bung'd up and pretty bloated for at least 36 hours after eating them. I think maybe I'm not used to eating that much flour of ANY kind. It took 4 fucking hours to make this recipe (http://www.theglutenfreevegan.com/2011/10/gluten-free-vegan-cinnamon-buns/) It's a good recipe. It works. The best part is her tutorial on how to roll and cut them. Fett and I decided that if they tasted like shit, this was what I had to show for it:

Yeah. I put a pyrex dish in the sink and promptly ran some water in it. Another rookie mistake. But they were pretty good even if they made me constipated. Fett liked them. Punky liked them.

I made a kale salad the other day that was fucking amazing. It was SO good. I'm sad there isn't more of it. I will post a recipe of it in a separate place because this blog is called failures and it is a far-cry from failure.

Below is the massaged kale salad I made today. I will call it "Uncle Honeybun's Crappy Asian Kale Salad" because it is crappy "asian" flavor and not very clever even though I wanted it to be. There used to be a Chinese takeout place here in Big College Town called Uncle Chen's and it was the crummiest awesomest Chinese food you could ever want. I visited a dear friend who was hospitalized with food poisoning from there. Anyway. I'm going to give you some tips on kale salads.

Tips for Massaged Kale Salads

1. There are plenty of recipes for massaged kale salads. You don't need a recipe! You just need a sense of what to do. 
2. Use a lot more kale than you think you need/want. It breaks down and shrinks similarly to spinach and other greens when cooked. 
3. Massaged means massaged. You really do rub stuff into the kale. 
4. As you massage, pull out the stems/woody parts. They do a great job of removing most of the wood (haha) but there will still be a few pieces with very rough stems. Just rip the leaves away from those parts and either compost, pitch, or save for stock the stem bits. 
5. Massage with oil...if I have to explain why you always use oil when you give a massage then I have a question for you: Do you enjoy chaffing?
6. Only use 1 hand. Your left will feel like someone else is massaging. I know it's faster with two hands (*snicker*haha) but you'll be really annoyed when you can't turn off the water or flip the tofu or check your phone or whatever because your other hand is covered in oil. 
7. You should massage for quite a while. Your kale is going to go from that olive green, sort of dusty and gray to bright green and soft. It takes a little while, especially only using one hand. Really rub it nicely. Here is a pic of it when it is massaged with a piece of sad, stressed, bung'd up kale on top:

(also-get one of these huge steel bowls, like they use at restaurants. they are amazing)

When you make a kale salad, use a huge bowl and tongs to throw it around and toss it. In a later post I'll give you the general formula for kale salads. here's my crummy one. 

Uncle Honeybun's Crappy Asian Kale Salad
*Credit given: Fett came and doctored up the salad. He added MORE Toasted Sesame Oil and way more Rice Vinegar. He was totally right. It's a lot better. The recipe below will reflect his additions...but that isn't helpful because I didn't measure any of my stuff. 

That reminds me. Here's one of the reasons I don't measure things. Don't be TOO impressed that I eyeball stuff. I kind of don't have a choice and plus I'm lazy. Here are my cup measure-ers. They aren't marked:

Ok. Recipe.

1/2 bag of prewashed kale. I don't remember if I said this before but DON'T be a sucker and buy your kale and wash it yourself. Prewashed kale is the greatest thing since precut butternut squash. It's worth the extra money. Your cells will thank you as they get buoyed and tough from kale. Kale: You can FEEL it gettin' right in your cells.
Peanut Oil 1/8 cup MAX. This is what I used for the massage. DON'T use all toasted sesame or even all sesame for that matter. You will barf. Just do a little at a time, like a couple teaspoons or so.
Toasted Sesame Oil I put it on my hand as I massaged and added a bit more, as did Fett, so maybe 1-2 Tablespoons. Look. Toasted sesame oil is REALLY strong. Go easy or you will regret it.
Rice Vinegar (unseasoned): Maybe 1/8-1/4 cup. Fett added more and it was correct.
Mirin I added at least a tablespoon, maybe more
Tamari (soy sauce to the layman) Not much, a few shakes, maybe 1/8 cup total
Sea Salt I added it while massaging, maybe 1/2 tsp
Sesame seeds Toast about 1/4-1/2 cup of sesame seeds in a dry skillet and toss them in.
Cashews Toast up some chopped cashews, maybe 1/3-1/2 cup. Cashews are awesome and why the hell not.
Carrot I used my julienne peeler to zoodle a carrot into the salad
Green Cabbage  It needed something radishy so I added chopped cabbage, not a lot. Maybe 1 cup. It is raw.

The thing about this kind of salad is that if you aren't used to this roughage, you are going to get gas. I mean GAS. I do not get a lot of gas from veggies or roughage. But you might if you're not used to raw cabbage and kale. The kale is technically raw but is sort of broken down but it will get your gut going. It doesn't phase me at all.

People ask me if I get a lot of gas from the greens and beans. Yeah, people think when you're vegan you want to talk about your digestion. Well, in my case they are RIGHT! I'll tell you, meat and cheese kind of mess me up but it's baked goods and flours. Baked goods make me miserable and gassy and plugged up. Give me handfuls of kale and pounds of beans and I'm ready to roll. TMI? Welcome to my blog.