Cream Cheese---Whaaat??

Warning: I swear a lot and you open the links at your own risk.

Jump to *** if you want to just read about food and don't care for my complaining. I'm not insulted.

It has been a long time! I need to update the "about me." It needs to be shorter, because who really gives a shit about all that stuff and because I can't keep up with it all the time. About me should be the sort of stable stuff, trait not state. So there's that.

God, blogging. It really is a narcissistic undertaking, isn't it? In any case, I've started cooking more again and have some goals. I finished both of the Big Dumb Exams (and passed) that I needed to take and now I will be making more money and be able to pay my $840 student loan every month. That's just super. I'm really looking forward to that for 25 years. Well, it was all worth it because I'm rich and comfortable and have a great retirement savings as well as investments and equity in the home I don't own. Whatever. I'm mostly lucky so I'm not complaining exactly. I'm tempted to just not pay and let them garnish wages cause I hear that's cheaper.

Onward to cultured foods.

***about food now!*** GO EVEN LOWER IF YOU JUST WANT THE RECIPE AND NOT MY OTHER RAMBLINGS ABOUT CHEESE.

So this is going to be about cream cheese! Yum! I like cheese a lot. Ya know what the most tiring thing is about being vegan? Hearing this: "Don't you miss cheese? I couldn't live without cheese." Yes you could. You sound like a moron when you say that. What is there to say to that? Umm. Just because maybe I miss it or like it doesn't mean I eat it. I don't do a lot of things that are fun or that I might enjoy because they are bad for me or go against my morals and values such as: cocaine or skinny-dipping or watching The Bachelor. But so cheese yes. Cheese. It's really good! It's tasty. People have been culturing and fermenting foods for a long time because they last longer. They are usually good for your guts and it's chemistry! Neat!

I've made things like "cheezy" sauce with nutrition yeast (the vegan standard) and I've had the huge range of fake cheeses you can buy. The former is fine but not cheese. It is not a very good simulacrum but will do in a pinch. The latter? Those things are not actually food. I eat them but they sure as shit are not food. They don't have nutrients really. They are Frankenstein-ian sort of amalgams of various thickeners and oils and stuff. It's not cultured almost ever (though the non-dairy yogurts are such as from almond or coconut or soy milk). Daiya is the best out there right now. It's good shit and it is hella expensive but it ain't cheese. I've been interested in making it myself. I've been borrowing my mom's vita mix. It is really old and the cookbook that comes with it is hilarious (you know, recipes for raspberry fluff and weird stuff like that). If you haven't heard of these holy crap. It sounds like a goddamned jet engine crossed with a coffee grinder. I feel bad for my neighbors--no I don't. I don't like them. But it is really loud. It is crazy powerful and fast (and expensive which is why I checked mine out of the family library) and really I think it is pretty much needed for these cheese things. Why? Because you have to blend up soaked nuts and you really need them to be creamed and not just pulverized and grainy. I've never seen or used a blender like this monstrosity. It's awesome.

This is the first cheese I made. I'm going to try the swiss and cheddar and brie...all of them. ***These recipes are not my own! I got this one from VegNews. It's the September/October 2012 issue*** It's a good magazine but unlike Vegetarian Times, it will feel more like propaganda and political stuff. They are not screwing around with gently encouraging veganism or whatever. They have an agenda. Their recipes ARE super and the articles are good but you will feel bad about eating meat and it might make you mad--just a warning. There's some crazy woo shit in the back too. THAT SAID, this recipe is great and the others look good. They are from this book by Miyoko Schinner. I plan to get the book.

Let's talk about the recipe.

They call it Philadelphia-Style Cream Cheese. What the f**k does that mean? Have you had other styles? And can we talk about how gross it is to have cream cheese in your sushi? Really? If you need to eat it that way, then maybe you should try this. Just my 2 cents and snottiness. So anyway.

NOTE: Read the recipe. This is not something you whip up in the morning. It takes 2+ DAYS for it to be done. Cheese-making requires patience. It will be good practice for me because I am NOT a very patient person. Some of these take more days than 2 and there's all this coordinating and stuff. I practically have spreadsheets set up with times and stuff so I can make them.

This is the only recipe that didn't call for rejuvelac. Rejuvelac sounds pretty gross: you soak some grains until they ferment and start making a weird sort of cloudy bubbly liquid. I kept feeling like I was making rotten food. I haven't used it yet; it's in the fridge now. So this recipe doesn't call for it but lots of others do. It's the culture, starter sort of. Actually this whole thing is a lot like doing sourdough! If you haven't done that, it's fun. You get some starter and it could be like 20 years old, passed on from someone else! You keep it in the fridge and have to feed it and stuff. It's alive! Yes...I had starter...had. I killed it.

***RECIPE***

Makes 2 cups

2 cups raw cashews, soaked for 3 hours and drained---I soaked mine for like 12 hours...maybe more. Why? I got lazy and just didn't feel like taking off in the jet engine until Sunday morning.

1/2 cup plain unsweetened soy yogurt--I had a really hard time finding this! Wegmans only had teeny little 6 oz containers and even those were sweetened with agave or some shit. Giant only had flavored yogurts. I need to hit up some other places too. I could make it myself but that sounds annoying. Anyway, I used the stuff from Wegmans and I don't know if it would taste different with another kind.

1/4 teaspoon salt

In a blender or food processor, combine all ingredients and process until smooth. This means that you stop occasionally and look really close at it. It needs to NOT be grainy. Use a spatula and stir and turn it around a bit. I pulled it up the sides of the blender and rubbed it between my fingers to be really sure it was not grainy. I processed it quite a bit and I think this helped it become sort of billowy, fluffy, and light.
Transfer mixture into a large bowl, cover with a towel or plastic wrap (I used plastic wrap because I hate the earth).
Let sit for 24-48 hours until cheese is very thick and has developed desired level of sharpness. I let mine sit from Sunday mid-morning until this evening, so about 30 hours or a little more.

 After the first 12 hours, the taste starts to change pretty quick. It was totally different after Sunday night and from Monday morning until tonight. Do taste it! It started out as kind of sweet and I was concerned. Not anymore! It's zingy and tangy and brilliant!

Store in refrigerator in a closed container up to 4 weeks.

This was lifted STRAIGHT out of the vegnews magazine and probably straight from the cookbook author. So if you like it, buy her book!

I'm going to make the others when I can track down Agar Agar powder (not flakes!). If I can't find powder, I'll use my coffee grinder to make powder. I need umeboshi paste too.

So there's that. I forgot how fun it is to write these and put links in. Did you enjoy them?

Goddamn it. It's almost midnight.